Obligatory Reflection Post

 It's Christmas.

We made it through 2020, or near enough. But not completely unscathed.

Lockdown in March, thinking it'd just be a couple weeks and it'd blow over. But then, Total Chaos, worldwide. I taught online through the rest of the spring semester, but so much of that time is a blur. Bathrooms got painted, that much I remember.

We lost our sweet dog Rosie in June. An inoperable tumor in her bladder. The one blessing is that she was already sound asleep from the anaesthesia for the ultrasound they'd taken; it was "easy" to let her cross the Rainbow Bridge. But nothing on that day was easy. We walked Cici like three times and cried All Day, and all that week. We still miss her so much.

But I think maybe it was that same week that we applied with Fetch Wisconsin, a local rescue organization, to get a new dog. We had no idea what we wanted, puppy or adult dog -- honestly, we didn't care. We wanted the gaping, painful hole patched. Finally we came to the top of the list for Lili. A little black puppy who looked enough like Rosie to definitely fit the bill, though she's in no way "like Rosie." We met her, loved her about at first sight, even through her case of ringworm and its stupid, stinky treatment. She came home to live with us about 2 months to the day after Rosie's passing.

It's been an adjustment for all of us, but we love her so, and we are all so lucky.

I taught at Madison College this fall, mostly online, but 6 hours a week for baking labs masked-up and in person, and again, survived. I had some really great students. I had some who should come back when they're more serious about doing actual work in school. I am really lucky to have been with so many students who were just prepared and ready to struggle through every hardship this year was going to throw at them. 

I resumed work in May (?) at Wisconsin Cutlery, masked and as safe as we could be, and we helped customers get good gear and knives, and they sharpened folks' knives because we are ALL stuck at home and cooking for ourselves. I am so lucky to have such a great job, to work with such strong and competent people, and to have relatively few grumpy customers. The holidays were a bear, but I can't even complain because I wasn't around for all of those workdays, just a few days a week. But it was a blur of activity when I was there. So much time on the phone, so much to explain about how business works now. But it works, and it's enough, at least until things progress to whatever new reality we are headed for. Great that we can be there for our customers, and great that they keep coming to see us.

Jim's dad had heart surgery, the day after Thanksgiving. Quadruple bypass, at 83. What a trooper. Mom couldn't be with him in the hospital, but we Zoomed with him and kept in touch via text. I should back up a bit and say that since lockdown in March, we've been reading as a family over FaceTime or Zoom or WebEx, depending on which interface is easier for all the different computer aptitudes in the family (none is particularly user-friendly, really).  We started by reading The Hobbit aloud, then moved to All Creatures Great and Small, and other chapter books that have really made for interesting reading, and an excuse for family time. Yep, after an hour, we are all Zoomed-out, but it's Something versus Nothing. Anyway, so there was a Zoom meeting with Dad I think the day of or the day after his surgery, and we read to him. Hard to see him in the hospital blues and masked up and all, but alive and safe as possible. He's made a great recovery -- was home on Tuesday after being admitted the Thursday previous. Just awesome and so happy for him and his loving family. Again, an adjustment, but all so lucky. Particularly when so many others have not been at all lucky.

Our Christmas celebrations were all separate, as was Thanksgiving, which was hard. We miss people, and we particularly miss cooking for people. On Thanksgiving we cooked some sides and traded with Jim's sister's family, and that made it more like a regular Thanksgiving. For Christmas, we couldn't come up with a plan like before, so we ended up making our own meals in each family. We splurged for some gorgeous beef short ribs, braised them for hours. Mashed potatoes, roasted broccoli and carrots, and ya gotta have some bread stuffing. So good. Then I made some banana granola that made the house smell almost better than the short ribs. We walked the dogs twice and they had a great day. Not to mention all the treats they got while we were cooking (Mom/Dad, WHY are you cooking so much in the middle of the day, and why does it smell So Good?).

We have our house, our dogs, odd stashes of accidentally-hoarded and purposefully-stashed items, we have some employment, though not as much as before or in the way we used to work. We are not in danger of losing the house, we can totally pay our bills. We are healthy and plan on staying that way. I've sewn some bitchin' masks for myself. I've sort of almost learned to cut Jim's hair, but I am more like a Beauty School Dropout for sure. We changed my snow tires out in April, and back on again last week. We are alive. We try to be aware of all that we have. I am grateful for the meditation app I've used for the last 250-some days to learn to be present, mindful, patient. We try to be aware of every lovely smell that wafts through our house. We love every sweet dog kiss we can get. 

I mostly try to be really patient with this whole process (and other times there are screams of frustration). I wonder what the over-under is, how long it will take for  things to evolve into safety. When we'll get the vaccine. When the new President takes office and those good changes will happen, and there won't be a media circus with every hour or tweet. When "doomscrolling" is no longer a thing. When it'll be okay to go to a restaurant or a bar again, if any of them can make it through this ridiculous time. We do our part to order takeout from those spots we love. When it will be safe to gather with family again. When it will be safe to hug our friends and family, for really uncomfortable lengths of time.

I am remembering everything we have lost this year, and that is a LOT. Not just personally, but as a nation, to have lost trust and faith in our "leaders," to have lost trust and faith in truth and democracy...I can't dwell on that or I'll go nuts. And you'll stop reading if you believe otherwise.

But I believe this: we are lucky. And I am grateful for all we have.